The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
