It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
