I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
