its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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