it hurts more in the daytime
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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