I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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