she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Randomize
