direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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