So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
i think my cat just said my name.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
