I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
