Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize