how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
