Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize