So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
