i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
