she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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