Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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