i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
