She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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