Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I know her cup size but not her name....
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
