I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Randomize