her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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