I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
