Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I need moral support for this bender
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
