So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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