bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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