I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
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