based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
