why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
