I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
