Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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