Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
