I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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