her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Randomize