So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Randomize
