Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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