he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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