It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
foreskin is a definite game changer
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
