A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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