i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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