stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
