So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
