Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
