Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize