Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
