a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
