Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
