seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
