I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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