ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize