I faked an abortion last night.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Randomize
