i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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