Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
