ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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