I am puke
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
