The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
