so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
