I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
