My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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