i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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