I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize